Saturday, 22 November 2014

i could've been someone to you

I watched "Almost Famous" for the first time a couple of months ago and I really liked it.
Last weekend I finished writing a set of short stories about teenagers in a British suburban neighbourhood (ya because I'm a teenager living in a British suburban neighbourhood, you guessed it.) If you would like a copy of the seven stories then please email me ( Here's a preview from one of them:

Callum looked into the man’s face. No, he wasn’t that old. Perhaps fifteen years older than Callum himself. Callum wondered if he had a wife or children, and if he was happy. He wondered if he had ever experience heartbreaking unrequited love and if he ever got over it. Perhaps he still thinks about the object of his affections now when his wife’s away and he’s feeling lonely. Does he look back fondly or is it still so painfully real that he has to get drunk to suppress the memory? Callum wondered if Evan had ever fucked up his life as bad as he had. He wondered if Evan was as selfish as he was. Instead of letting out any such thoughts, Callum thought it best not to invite any unnecessary closeness, so maintained the detached exterior, “So you’re a shrink now?” Callum said.

When I was in Portugal I read the brilliant "Women of the Beat Generation" by Brenda Knight. The poetry and prose was so dreamy and typically stream-of-conscious Beat style. However, the many of the women's life stories were really tragic. I related to a lot of the lives and works of these women in some cases simply because they were women. A particularly tragic life story was that of Elise Cowen who was in love with Allen Ginsberg but he loved Peter Orlovsky. Cowen's mental health began to deteriorate and she was constantly plagued with paranoia. At 28 years old she took her own life. This is believed to be her last poem, seeming eerily like a suicide note:

No love
No compassion
No intelligence
No beauty
No humility
Twenty-seven years is enough
Mother – too late – years of meanness – I’m sorry
Daddy – What happened?
Allen – I’m sorry
Peter – Holy Rose Youth
Betty – Such womanly bravery
Keith – Thank you
Joyce – So girl beautiful
Howard – Baby take care
Leo – Open the windows and Shalom
Carol – Let it happen
Let me out now please –
Please let me in.
So much of literature is male dominated and reading about women writers actually has a psychological effect that makes me feel more comfortable about being a female writer because it is inspiring to have role models who share a more similar life to you/that you imagine yourself having in the future. 

I have been rewatching a lot of "Skins" lately. I watched the first two series in just over a week and now I'm half way through the third. I tend to do most of my homework in free periods at school so when I get home it's like SKINS YAAASS. When I first watched it it sort of annoyed me how party/drug/sex orientated it was because I felt that I couldn't really relate to that lifestyle. It's known for being over exaggerated, which Eleanor wrote about in Issue 5 of Pretty DRAMA AND DORIAN GRAY, so most teenagers probably can't. However, having watched Palo Alto and written a bunch of short stories about teens, I find that I can emotionally relate a lot more. This is something I wrote in my journal recently: 

I always end up feeling sorry for the characters that morally represent everything I hate. They are the sort of people that I would hate to be around in real life and I'd feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit to people how much a empathise with them. I wonder if it makes me a bad person, or if it makes me a good person with a great capacity for empathy, but lately I've been feeling it's the formerI end up feeling the most sorry for Cook in "Skins" and Fred in "Palo Alto" even though they're both assholes. I think that's because their struggle to figure out what life is, who they etc etc is so intense. I'm sure it could be argued that they're both just emotionally underdeveloped sexist assholes, but there are definitely signs of them being more complex than that. I think there's a reckless, selfish part to everyone and sometimes I lie in bed at night thinking about what would happen if that part of me took over and it frightens me because that isn't ME, but I've thought it, so it must be. 

I spent a lot of last year and the beginning of this year isolating myself from everyone else because they could never ever possibly understand the plight of my adolescence cry cry angst angst but this year I pay much more attention to the people I'm around because this time next year I'll be around new people and we'll all be trying to at least pretend to be a little more like adults. 
I tried to explore a number of different personalities (some likeable, many not) in Concrete Narratives; especially the first one which was in this issue of Cherry.

It also relates to last month's Rookie theme, The Other: in particular, Krista's article, "Monstro(us)"

Last night I had the first sleep over I've had for ages. We watched "Palo Alto" and "Skins" but mostly sat on my bed listening to this playlist and Pure Heroine, talking about the future, uni, BOYS, friendship, hot teachers etc. It was lovely and it seemed like we were sitting in pink light which felt ethereally like we were somewhere where these things didn't really matter.

This is what I wore today:

thrifted shirt, primark jewellery and pearls that were a gift, new look skirt, m&s tights
A few more photos from my holiday in Portugal last month: 

I've rewatched "Palo Alto" twice in the last couple of weeks. Although I liked it straight away, I was not really struck by its powerful relevance and overall beauty until I watched it for the second time. Now, I can't stop thinking about it. I'm so glad that it came out just before I began my last ever year at school because it matches the vibes of this year seamlessly which translates as me doing things simply because they seem very "Palo Alto."

husband gooaaallls um what
Pretty's Spring/Summer 2015 review issue has now been out for around a month. You can email me for a free PDF copy. Alternatively, you can have a free paper copy with any other paper copy of Pretty that you purchase from my Etsy.  

Now I'm off to the fun fair in town ohmygod woohoo!!! There will definitely be photos from it posted next weekend. Hope you all have a good rest of the weekend.

have a "my webcam is terrible nd i haven't used it since 2011 but i'm happy bc i'm going to the fun fair tho my hair is a mess" selfie xoxo


  1. Silver! That top and skirt you're wearing in the first pictures are incredible. I've only seen a few episodes of Skins, but I've always wanted to watch it all the way through. If it's still on Netflix I might do that this week.

    Raissa | The Leather Fanny Pack

    1. Thank you! You should definitely watch it. Let me know what you think when you do x

  2. the photos in this are gorgeous and I love Rookiemag!

  3. YOU'RE WAY TOO COOL. also this was a lovely read cause it was just so jam packed of awesomeness.
    you're super cute in that selfie.


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